My Story by Mary H. of Kelowna, BC (a former client)
I met, fell in love, and married a narcissist. This article explains how I got out.
My husband fits the classic description of a narcissist. He does not have the ability for empathy ; however, he was always the most charismatic person in a social setting and he was excellent at faking interest in the people around him. He made them feel like they were the only one in the world that mattered at that moment. Consequently, I fell head over heels.
However, things changed rapidly. When we were alone he could change in a matter of seconds. He was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde . His wrath could be that of a mad man and I could never do anything right. He was also a master at making every circumstance my fault.
He didn’t see my need for my family and friends, and by the time I was pregnant with our first child, I could sense that something was wrong. He couldn’t stand the attention I was receiving and when our son arrived, he was quick to anger because my focus was on the baby who needed me more.
So how did I break away from him? Let me say this, it was not easy! A narcissist will hold on for dear life if they feel they are losing control of you, and my #1 goal was to get out and stay alive. My #2 goal was to try to keep the cost down because a narcissistic spouse is often willing to go bankrupt just to destroy you!
The following four tips are things I did to break away and save my life:
1) Find a divorce mediator or a divorce lawyer who is not a narcissist, but who understands narcissism .
2) You need your own bank account and make sure it has enough to pay for your immediate divorce and living expenses. This is critical to understand : be prepared for your spouse to move assets and then say there are none to give you.
3) Prepare, prepare, prepare! Get bank statements and other necessary documents as soon as possible. Here’s a link to help you understand what you need. It’s a short little Ebook that helps you understand what to gather. Click HERE for the download .
4) Be prepared for the storm, and understand his fear of abandonment and the threat to his pride. Like hurricane preparedness, if you get ready for the disaster , you will feel less victimized by something you saw coming .
I hired a divorce mediator and, to my surprise, my husband agreed to use mediation. In the end the mediator was able to present my ex-husband with a separation plan that seemed to be in his best interest. I had learned early in the relationship that his own self-interest overshadows any empathy towards others.
In retrospect, it’s perplexing to watch the ease at which my narcissistic ex-husband could pull away from the kids and myself. I was left asking myself, “Did he ever love me? Did I mean anything to him?” I have come to accept that the simple answer is NO , and I fear for his next prey!
On the Doorstep of Divorce, or do you need help in Rebuilding After Divorce?
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About Kelowna Divorce Mediation Services
We are not expensive lawyers; we are family divorce mediators and rebuilding coaches . Our boutique divorce mediation firm has become Kelowna’s first choice when dealing with separation and divorce, and beyond. It is possible to reduce stress , time and conflict . Our mediation and rebuilding models educate and empower our clients, so that when you leave you have a document that will stand the test of time, and a process for rebuilding your life.
